My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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