Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
