My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
