yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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