I wanna bring you to show and tell
Do you still have your period?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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