I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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