I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
