my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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