Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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