I wish they made helmets for livers.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
