Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
