I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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