i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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