Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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