My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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