I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
