her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
