Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
