I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
