Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
