Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
