Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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