I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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