I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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