Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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