So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
