it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
