meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
