If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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