cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
