I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
