6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
