I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
