fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
