I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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