so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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