im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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