Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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