I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
