Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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