U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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