the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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