Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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