You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
operation have a gay friend backfired
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
