i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
