And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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