epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize