apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Come back. Shots need mouths.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
