She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
