she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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