i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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