Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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