you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
