Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
