Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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