where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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