Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
