Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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